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THE GIRL’S GUIDE TO… Men: How To Get Laid When Yo...
Empire State
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Friday, April 16, 2010


Dear Men,

Yes you. All of you. We need to talk.

Allow me to bring something to your attention, if I may. That being the problem of how you sit. Everywhere you are, you always seem to sit in the same way: with your legs spread widely apart; whether on the tube, in an office, or in that coffee shop in Soho last week, where you distracted me from my writing a post on my blog.

Here’s the thing: unless we are going to have sex, I really must ask that you keep your legs together - it would be hugely appreciated if you could. Don't get me wrong: I quite like seeing a man with his legs splayed when he is sitting down, but that, you see, is where problems arise (possibly literally, but we'll come to that later).

I like to think I am aware of the reasons why men might recline in this manner; if I had a penis I would probably sit that way too, so as to allow my crotch some space to breathe (and protect future generations with my virile sperm). I imagine, being a bloke, it is quite comfortable spreading one's legs apart: it certainly lowers the risk of getting one's dinkle stuck in an awkward position (and we've all heard the stories about penis fractures) (I've actually met one: it had broken at a right-angle - ouch) (I am relieved to say it still worked. Very well in fact).

It would appear that sitting like this, according to many body-language experts, serves the function of marking one's territory: spread-out legs take up space - which shows other men potential dominance of the physical surroundings. (Much like being a tom-cat, but without the bad smell.) (Hopefully.) Perhaps this highlighting of the groin area is an evolutionary trait to show potential mates what's on offer: allowing one to 'check the goods' prior to purchase (always something one should do). As if a big arrow was pointing downwards, a man sitting with his legs apart seems to be saying, "Look at me. Here I am. This is my penis. Isn't it great?!" I can certainly see the advantage in that, but herein lies the problem: with men's groins so blatantly on show, a woman like me doesn't know where to look.

Let's be honest here: I like to look at men's crotches. This is no secret; I have no embarassment in admitting it. It's not that I am interested in seeing how big or small their penis might be - far from it - rather, it's just nice to see what's there. In a sort of knowing-which-side-it-might-be-lying type of way, or even I-wonder-what-it-would-look-like-hard-underneath-his-trousers kind of thing. Normal stuff, basically. So when faced with a Cock Bulge On Display Because A Man Is Sitting There With His Legs Wide Apart, where else is a woman supposed to fix her eyes? Yes, I've tried to look at a bloke's face, or his hands, or even his feet, but with such a prominent visual display of genitalia, I find it hard to rest my gaze anywhere else but there.

My male friends tell me they have a problem with women who wear low-cut tops; that with any cleavage in view, their eyes are drawn to it - even if they don't find the woman attractive, or worse, she's a friend, they still cannot help but look. I know this isn't just a hetrosexual thing: a gay mate of mine admitted to me he was captivated by my boobs and spent much of an evening peering down my top (with my blessing, I should add: it’s just the staring without permission that annoys me). So likewise, men's crotches: if they are going to sit like that, displaying their bulges to the world, where else do they expect us women to look, I ask you?

I find this situation most unsettling, because whilst I may be checking out a guy's groin, I am not necessarily doing so because I want to shag him, and I would hate for him to think that I did, just because he spotted me cock-gazing. It's just that it's there... to be looked at. And I do; I can't help it.

So in order to avoid being caught staring at your crotches, it would help me if all of you men stopped sitting like that, and instead pressed your legs together in a dignified manner, thus hiding your packages from view. It would be better for all that way I think.*

Thanking you in advance,
Yours sincerely, in dark glasses to hide her eyes,
Girl x

*Unless of course you are in my flat because I am going to shag you, in which case, please do sit there with your legs wide apart and I will try to use telekinesis (or, failing that, some dirty-talk) to give you a hard-on under your trousers which I will thus grind myself against with great delight. Thank you.

[I thought I'd post up some extracts from my book. Hope you enjoy them.]

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